Four communication styles harming your relationships

Our relationships contain problems. Some unsolvable. It’s a natural consequence of differing personalities, values and needs, bumping up against one another.

When conflict arises from this (which it most certainly will), there are four ways we ‘communicate’ that can harm our relationship.

Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, have been referred to as the ‘Four Horseman of the Apocalypse’. A biblical reference depicting the end of times. And in this context…the end of a relationship.

They were coined by @gottmaninstitute who’ve done a tonne of research on how successful couples maintain their relationships. Including what behaviours are most likely to predict the end of a relationship ~ specifically around how conflict is managed.

By the way, contempt is an absolute relationship killer ~ the single greatest predictor of divorce.

You might notice the similarity with the Four Control Dramas from the Celestine Prophecy book: The Interrogator (critical), The Intimidator (contempt), The Poor Me (defensiveness), The Aloof (stonewalling).

This isn’t a coincidence.

At the root of both of these ideas is the question: ‘What do we do when we feel vulnerable’.

And the answer: ‘We shape our behaviour around self-protection and apply a strategy that helps us feel in control’.

As I’ve mentioned before ~ these kinda strategies ultimately don’t work.

Complaining about things is okay. Expressing needs is okay. Being direct, honest and challenging is okay. Feeling angry, and being angry, is okay. Withdrawing and taking a break from conflict is okay.

But when we look to shift the power balance back in our favour, through either attacking, pushing responsibility away, eliciting sympathy, or withdrawing altogether, that’s when our relationship suffers.

In my next post I’ll be sharing some antidotes to these communication styles, and some healthier ways of expressing ourselves in relationships.